Things are worse now I am finding myself very depressed of late, crying alot about everything and anything. I even felt like ending it all yesterday,it was a dark day and didn't see any point, no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't understand life,my myself what am I suppose to do? Am I in too deep? It's like I am in a hole trying to climb out. Is there something seriously wrong with me? I am lost in this strange world. I don't think I will ever be able to able commit myself to one person. That's strange in it's self, it's not like I don't long too I just need to trust and feel strongly for them. No relationship I have had has felt like this.
One sided maybe either I fall too deep in love like with Jason or they do, mostly me. Now since breaking up with Jason I don't feel the same I cheat on them or just leave. I don't want to hurt again. I am hurting but I can't let this go on any longer. This not what I thought it would be like. I felt like maybe I would be strong enough to keep going and be happy but clearly I'm not. Please someone help me I can't talk to anyone except you journal. I am not proud of the things I have done even though they are experiences I feel filthy and evil.
I know deep down I know what my morals are but they are have seemed to slip away since Jason broke up with me. It's like I have no respect for myself. Even though these things feel great at the time I know they are wrong.
I want to run away.....
I stay with Simon now because I think he is all I deserve and can probably get. I know I can have random sex with different people and I do but sometimes at least I know he is here even if he goes away for days. That sounds strange and trust me hard to explain, see he is hot and cold when he is hot is so nice and turns me on. Simon makes me feel like naughty in a good way, he has sexy saltry cheeky eyes that melt me and his smile well it's more like a cheeky smirk that gets me everytime. But when he is out of dope, worrying about things and not talkative I hate it, I feel alone.
I still don't know if he loves me or anyone for that matter. Simon is strange.
Life is unfair why do I kept thinking about Jason no relationship or fling i have can compare to how he made me feel even though he strayed from me, it aches to know he isn't coming back......
Crying.....
I hate when this comes on the radio or Video Hits makes me cry and hit pillows in anger...
April 13th
Yes it's been a while since my last entry and a lot has happened. Firstly today I am very emotional as it 4 years today that my friends died in a horrific car accident. Katie and Chantel would have been 18 years old. I was closer to Katie than Chantel but it was still sad their lives were cut short so young. The night was a Friday, the 13th mind you not that I'm superstitious but yeah eerie. katie went to Chantel's for a sleepover. Last time I saw them alive was at Paradise Interchange after school. They didn't go to my high school, they both attended Norwood and Moriata High School. I met katie through another friend who lived around the corner from her and then Katie introduced me to Chantel weeks before they passed.
Anyway they were meant to go watch videos down the road from Chantel's. Chantel was friends with twin boys, we all knew of them as the William boys. Well their curfew was 11:30pm and Chantel's parents were woken up at 12pm that night thinking the torch lights down the driveway was them trying to sneak inside as they were late but sadly it was the police to tell them they died 8pm that night. Instead of going where they were suppose to go they went for a drive to Gawler with Chantel's older boyfriend at the time and a mate.
Apparently Katie and Chantel were very unlucky to be in the back seat as it was an oldish car that wasn't and didn't have to be fitted with seat belts. They could have survived otherwise, maybe. But I think they would have considering they got thrown out the car when it rolled and smashed into trees. The two blokes were fine and the driver was sent to jail for 5 or more years.
Over the years it has became easier. I will never forget though.
Then lately I'm having the realisation that Jason isn't coming back to me EVER!!! It's sinking in but with great pain. People may think I've moved on but that's just a brave face inside I'm crumbling feels as though if I start to cry I may never stop. I have wrote letters to him but didn't send them reading back over them I think they are corny and if I was him I would rip them up. Yesterday I even rip them up too. There is no point.
" Did you ever love a guy and know he didn't love you, Did you ever want to cry and wonder what he'd do, Did you ever look into his eyes and say a little prayer, Did you ever look into his heart and wish that you were there" By Anonymous
This song was played at Chantel's funeral, also ' smoking in the boys room' as she was a little rebel.
In between today and last entry I started seeing more and more of Simon. Some how he ended up moving into my unit we thought he was there most the time may as well. As I got to know him I had a strange relationship with him love/hate. He was so charming in his own little way, then the other hand I didn't like his attitude when he din't have dope. Simon had days where he was silent and didn't want to talk. Some days he wouldn't come back even. His friends would come over to ask where he was, I mean he could have been dead and I wouldn't know.
Then there was this day he said look I got myself a car pointing to a commodore in my driveway. Found out after getting in it for a drive that it was stolen. Yep! I knew he had done time for stealing cars and similar things but thought being jail this would have stopped him. Stupid me believed him that he got it from a friend of his cousin Sean. After awhile I realised everyday he was getting up early so he could go do crime to get money for drugs and smokes etc. I was getting very uneasy about this as I had Kate to worry about.
Some reason I had just shrugged this off because I liked him and the thought of him liking me. I didn't want to be alone again.
May 3rd
My life just gets worse why do I hold onto such a nasty person. Simon basically doesn't talk to me only if he needs something. He shows more love toward Kate than me, he hasn't touched me in any kind of way for ages now. He annoys me with his obsessive behaviors about how clean the house should be, calls me names for not mopping the floor everyday for god sake. He doesn't open up tell me why he is doing this to me. I feel it makes it harder now to say fuck off to him because Kate is attached to him like a father figure because Jason doesn't see her very often.
But I have to be honest this isn't going to work out. I hate feeling down everyday. I have even stopped leaving the house to go visit my friends like Beth. So tomorrow I have decided to go see her I really miss her company I need laugh and a chat. Beth has house warming on Friday so if I stay two nights I can go to her House Warming Party.
May 6th
Loved my time spent with Beth. I had a blast. Just like old times back at Malvern House. Beth's House Warming Party was awesome she had a lot of people there some were known faces which were great. We danced, sang and played drunken limbo in the backyard whilst it poured down with rain but we all didn't care. It was great to feel free and happy, letting myself go. While at Beth's I didn't think about my life back at my unit with Simon at all. I didn't care if he wonder where I was, nothing.
Awww!! This is a song from 2011/12 but I love it always makes me get up, sing and clap my hands.
Then while on the train back from Beth's house on Saturday morning. The train stopped at a station as I looked out the window I recognised a guy I used to know back in the day, when I was with Jason, he lived at the same halfway home as Cameron we all used to hang out when I had my unit at Newton. His name is Tray, now Tray yes is probably 3 years younger than me but he is hot. I quickly got off and ran over to him, thank god he was pleased to see me or else I would have looked spastic. We talked for awhile then he asked if I wanted to come over to oval adjacent to the train tracks to smoke some cones and talk.
We chatted and smoked for a good 2 hours, reminiscing the old days. After awhile I was getting hungry and wanted to get some food some where and anything I just had the munchies badly. He said there was a deli I could grab something to bite which was close by he would take me there. So I got a pie, chips and a coke. Yes I ate bad foods when I had the munchies. On the way back he said we should go to his friends house that he was meaning to go visit earlier but we ran into each other instead. So I thought what the hell I didn't need to be anywhere and I'm sure not looking forward to going back to my lonely unit, even if Simon was there I felt alone and depressed.
So we walked to this friend of his house it wasn't too far away. That night we ended up staying there I figured by the sound of it Tray didn't have a place of his own probably still lived in halfway homes but eh who cares that was none of my business. By this time i couldn't help but flirt with Tray he is hot, gorgeous smile in a gangster way. I know that is a half hearted attempt to describe him but you just have to see him the way he expresses himself and he is so darn nice. I also know he likes me too it's obvious. I decided to hang for another night because I didn't need to get Kate until next day. This is where it finally happened. We played music and smoked bongs. Tray came out and told me that he was happy Jason and I split because he wanted me.
I blushed not knowing what to say but forward as I can be I just grabbed him and started kissing him, it was hilarious considering his friend Warren quickly got up and left the room saying I'll leave you guys to it then. Awww!! Tray was amazingly sexy. He knew how to satisfy. Tray moved his hand down towards my jeans and unbuttoned them and he slowly inserted in fingers. I was wet already just thinking about it. Tray thrusted his fingers inside me hard, fast and deep, just the way I liked it. I was moaning uncontrollable by this stage hate to hear what I sounded like when he actually fucked me. His kisses were unreal I just wanted to eat him like chocolate, yummy. Then he pinned me against the wall in the lounge room, I could feel his raging erection, I so wanted it inside me that I found myself saying give it to me.
Finally Tray takes off his clothes as he is still staring at me,then he kissed my neck and stopped to rip off my top and undo my bra. I decided to take over for getting my jeans off as they were tight ones to get off. Slowly he lifted me and placed me on the couch, laid on top Tray placed a pillow under my buttocks and put my legs on his shoulders he grabbed my hips and he entered me with hard . I had multiple orgasms and I couldn't help but squirt everywhere. The more a groaned and squirted the deeper and faster he fucked me. I absolutely loved it. The only other person that ever came near that was Jason but Tray lasted longer and had a huge cock, I'm not kidding wow biggest I've seen. The sensation through my veins was like a drug, it made me feel high, if only I could bottle that rush. My legs were like jelly after and I felt dizzy. All I could think of after was if only he could be my boyfriend but it could never happen as his life wasn't stable he couldn't cope with a child especially being Jason's. But could you imagine the look on Jason's face if we ended up together, priceless. But honestly I'm just another fuck to him that's all it is, unfortunately. Eh!! that's life I'm pretty much used of this now that's why I don't feel so bad when I cheat or have random sex. Men do it and don't feel the slightest bit ashamed I do it I feel ashamed but what can I do just be stupid thinking they are all so devoted just to me, if I could be so lucky. To me they are all the same got to get their dicks wet somehow. I am satisfied now. Simon wasn't giving to me anymore fuck that he probably is doing some other girl as if he would go without it that long, it's impossible especially for a bloke. I wish someday I will find someone that will be faithful that loves me for who I am, who I could trust. That makes me feel like I don't need to stray either.
I am on the pursuit of happiness, this song wasn't around then but what a feel good song......
May 7th
I left before anyone got up no point in staying or even saying goodbye nothing would come of our affair. I caught the train back to Adelaide then bus back home. Plus I needed to back before 1pm for Kate. I was shocked to find my front door kicked in when arrived home. I thought someone broke in I walked in slowly and weary. I even put my impulse spray from my handbag in my hand to spray some trespasser if they came at me. Yes hilarious hey but it would still hurt like pepper spray it's the next best alternative. Anyway I seen nothing inside my unit was touched everything was neat even the music was playing so Simon must have been and gone. Next minute he burst through the door with his friend Russel following behind. I asked what the hell happened. Simon replied in a angry voice "you decided to fuck off somewhere for god knows how many days and left me with no keys or idea where you were". I snapped back " I didn't need to fucking tell you it's not like you fucking tell me where you go half the fucking time how dare you just kicked a hole in my door this is a rental ya fuck".
I got very emotional by this point I split my beans about how I felt alone and not loved anymore. I just had to . Simon was a asshole he just laughed in my face looked away and started packing bongs. I went all psycho on him yelling profanities calling him a crim all sorts. For the first time he actually yelled back at me, right up close to my face it scared me and I cried so hard. Then he had the nerve to accuse me of cheating on him with Jason, yeah right I wish but we know I did. But I didn't really feel as though it was cheating as such considering the way he treated me it felt like it was over ages ago but he didn't say it just used me for a roof over head, food, money and drugs that I could get on tick. Simon the came up brushed my hair away from my neck and said " there fucking hickies bitch don't tell me you didn't".
At this point I lied I said my friend Beth gave them to me when she was drunk that's where I went. I even said he could ring and ask her. If he did want to she would cover for me she hated him anyway.
I ended up saying"fuck off I don't want you hear anymore". I felt like I had no control cause he sat there ignoring me talking to his friend. Until Kate came I stayed in my room writing in this journal. I felt embarrassed and lied when my parents came over to drop off Kate I told them someone broke in even had to say I reported it and everything. Whilst saying this I thought what on earth am I going to say to my youth worker I had to think it through because she was going to do her usual visit on Monday. ( biting nails).
Well Dennis never came back and I don't think he ever will, I was obviously used. Now I feel even worse like some easy slut, yuck. Today was awesome considering feeling like this to start with. I went to town to do some girly shopping for new tops, jeans and maybe a nice dress, when I ran into my beat friend from high school years. he didn't go to my school but I met him at Paradise Bus Interchange where many of us from different schools went to catch our buses to the surrounding local high schools. His name was Cameron you might of realised I mentioned him once in my first few entries. Anyway I went to Kildare College, a all girls school and he went to Windsor Gardens and there were many others we hung out with at Paradise from different local schools.
I met him down there one day when I it was a weekend. I was there with my best friend Yasmine. Cameron came up to us with his mate Ollie. They introduced themselves and asked for a smoke of us. We all talked for awhile. As from that day on we were all friends. Yasmine didn't really like them though as she was a little snobby. Yasmine came from a well classed family that lived in a rich suburb called Athelstone, she lived in a two storey home with her family. That was just the way she was she didn't mine hanging out with me even though my family family weren't rich just hated as she would put it "ferel guys that dressed like gangtas".
Ollie apparently liked her though thought she was hot and Cameron liked me, funny thing was I liked Ollie he was hotter than Cameron but Cameron was sweet and great personatlity.
Everyday I would meet Cameron and other at the Interchange to chat and smoke before school. I got to know Ollie and ended up getting into a relationship with him but he was a player cheated on me many a time, I still liked him an wrote numerous letters to him that passed to Cameron to give him when I didn't see him. I still think to this day did Cameron ever give them to him cause I knew how much he liked me and wanted to go out with me. But I will never know. Anyway years later this is how I met Jason as well, Jason was working in town at Mc Donalds and Cameron and Jason were close friends for many years prior, small world hey.
Anyway back to meeting him in town. I spotted him in the middle of the Rundle Mall in front of the Malls Balls. Cameron was with a group of guys, a lot of them. At first I wasn't sure if I should go up and say hello cause there were so many of them and would he want to talk after so many long. I thought after awhile who cares do it. So I went up poked him in side and said "hey Al Bundy". That was my nickname I gave him no one else called him that. I named him that because he used to like to put his hand down his pants like Al Bundy in Married with Children that show years and years ago.
He quickly turned and smiled, picked me up and said "wow Penny it's you I just can't believe it". He was so overwhelmed with excitement. I was blown away with his reaction. We hugged for awhile. By this time his friends were staring wondering who the hell I was. Cameron then turned around with his arm around my waist and said "this is my favorite girl, my best friend Penny we haven't seen each other for a long time". They said hello and put their hands out. I got invited to go down to the Torrens for a session and some drinks with him and his mates. It was fun, they were such a funny bunch of blokes and some were sexy as I couldn't keep my eye off a few them.
Cameron and I used to love this song.
After a few hours some of them had to leave to meet people or go home so I asked Cameron if he would like to come back to my place for some more cones and drinks, he didn't decline. We talked and laughed reminiscing the good old days when we were younger I put on some tunes by this stage we were so pissed I was falling all over the place I even broke an ornament, two glasses and spilt drinks on him and myself. But we both laughed even harder. As the night progressed we started getting closer on the couch and starting kissing heavy and yes once again I sex arghhh!!!
This time it was probably worse cause he was my best friend not someone I thought of in that way even though this was his dream come true. Will this destroy our friendship forever I don't know, I hope not.
SHIT SHIT SHIT. I wish some one would just smack me across the face or help find out why I do this.
After we were both a little shocked that we done it except he looked happier than I did. We had a couple of cones and a smoke. Then Cameron said he had to get back for his curfew. Cameron was living in a boys shelter, he had been in and out of different ones his whole life.
Cameron was a trouble child and his parents gave up on him so he was a ward of the state basically. It didn't make it better if he wanted to get better he hung around many troubled kids and all they knew was to do crime, break in to cars for goods and steal the cars sometimes too. Cameron's curfew was 11pm he was already 30 minutes late they got punished if they didn't come back in time extra chores and not aloud out for a week, so even though he was going to punished anyhow he needed to leave ASAP to not make it worse. I walked him to the end of my driveway and pointed to where the bus stop is.
As we were hugging our goodbyes a guy came from across the road he approached looking very desperate.he introduced himself as Nick. Cameron looked at me then back to him and said "I know you mate I was once in lock up with you". Nick said "Oh yeah Cameron, right?, in Magill Training Centre when were 15 years old". They both laughed. I thought gee how people meet sometimes. Nick went on to explain how he just got out of the Remand Centre and he was hanging for some weed. Cameron said he needed to go badly so we said goodbye and Nick and Cameron shook hands.
I went on say that could get him one tomorrow as it were too late in the night then to get a bag. I said " I know a lady that I got weed on tick". He looked disappointed but said "thats ok ". Nick went to walk off when I said "hello I get that tomorrow morning but if ya want a rage right now come to mine I just live over there in that unit", as I pointed to my unit. Nick was pleased to hear that and followed me to my unit. NO and I didn't have sex with him I was good, I gave him two and he left.
Nick is hot though!!!
I like bad boys, laughs!!!
Boys like them would make life more interesting!!!
April 3rd
Today this morning I walked down to Trudy's house. Trudy is long time friend of mine as well someone I get dope from. Trudy only lives a few streets away from me. She used to live nearby at Windsor gardens Caravan park for 15 years with her boyfriend Alex and her brother Reese. At one stage Jason, Heather( my school friend that went out with Cameron) and myself lived there too in our own caravan, we couldn't afford a unit in short notice so we rented a caravan for about 3 months.
Anyway Trudy and I talked for awhile for we were overdue for a catch up session. I was ready to go when Reese offered me a lift home it wasn't far but Reese was sweet like that. About an hour after I got back Nick turned up at my door. We had a good session and talked a lot. he opened up, he didn't hold back he told me about his life and the crime he does, like stealing cars, I guess he felt comfortable and could trust me. I never judge as I have done many a thing I am not proud of and what people do is there business.
I really enjoyed his company so much I made him stay longer for lunch. I made him something easy, a sandwich. But I guess being in Remand food taste like shit and he seemed to like it the way he scoffed it down.
Later in the evening I ordered pizza and we sat watching t.v. It was getting cold so I got out the throw rug as I didn't have a heater. I put some on him. After a few minutes he put his hand my leg I made out I didn't notice like hello stupid me as if you don't notice, I was just nervous. Yes I know me nervous but I was I don't know why. Nick then held my face with one arm and started kissing me. YEP YOU CAN GUESS WHAT WE DID, SAY NO MORE!!!
One Studio 2000 photo I had left from all the ones Trent burnt.
"I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me, but I find I am grateful for having loved them, the gratitude has finally conquered the loss"
I say this because not only for the people who have been in my life as lovers but as friends who have passed as well. These two great songs express it all.
March 3rd
Today Trent and I were sitting back relaxing watching television when we heard a knock at the door, at my unit. I opened the door and was shocked to see Kane, which is a long time family friend of ours. I haven't seen him in ages. He looked different, shaved head, skinnier and had Tattoos. I was suspicious why he bought along his girlfriend sister. She was gorgeous, maybe he was seeing her behind her back who knows not my business.
I invited them in and introduced them to Trent. We talked for about two hours, he filled me in on what he is doing with his life now. It was great to see Trent getting along with him too. For I was getting a little worried as Trent has being ignoring his closet friends of late, I didn't want him doing that. I found it strange. Also wondering why he hasn't introduced to his family yet either I mean I have, it makes me wonder.
Anyway Kane mentioned that he goes camping down the River Murray a far bit they have jet ski's and just chill have fun and drink. Before he left he offered for us to come up the River next time they go, he got my number cause he only had my address cause my dad passed it on to him so he could visit me. It was funny cause when we were younger my sister and I used to call him Kane Toad just mucking around paying him out. Kane was much older than us but he still lived with his mum until he was in his early twenties.
March 8th
Today was a very sad day. My mum called to tell me some really bad news, Kane died. Yes Kane that just came to visit a couple prior. I got shivers up my spine and felt sick at this horrible news. My mum told me he was at his place when Kane and his mate were walking to their car parked out on the street when 12 blokes jumped them and bashed him. They had cricket bats as well. They held his friend back by holding his arms behind his back only were after Kane. Kane's injuries were mostly to the back of his head. Kane's parent talked to doctors and decided to turn off the machine, the likelihood of coming out of the coma was slim or even if he did he would be a vegetable. That would have to be the worst decision that they would have to make, could you imagine.
I am crying so hard and very shocked. I can't believe it. He was just here last Monday, fucking hell life is harsh. Kane was too young to die, not fair!!! I rang Trent to tell him even though he didn't know him like I did, I thought I needed someone to talk to. Trent came over straight away and we cuddled for hours, that felt pleasant. Trent even stayed the night, I couldn't be alone.
March 16th
I am up getting ready to go to Kane's memorial service. The family can't have a funeral yet as the body hasn't been released there still needs a Autopsy. It's hard I mean what do I say to the family arghh!!
I was thinking today maybe someone found out he was doing his girlfriends sister and organised this to be done, is that inappropriate to say, not that I would mention what I am thinking to the family at this time of grief or actually even ever but it's a thought this could have been why but he still didn't deserve it.
I am going now talk later.....
Later on ...
Gee that was a strange but great day it wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. They all tried to be happy and rejoice in the memories they had of him. His friends got up and spoke as well. There were some hilarious stories told about things he did and said as he grew up and until recently before he passed. I even had a weird conversation with his girlfriend with made me feel quite strange, she said I looked like her younger sister that died years ago not the one that came over of course but yeah then she pulled all her friends and others over to check me out and they all agreed, yeah creepy. She nearly cried even, I gave her a hug to make her feel a little better.
I'm glad this day is over I need to sleep it's 10pm but I am emotionally tired right now.
Goodnight Journal RIP Kane Until we meet again.....
March 23
I haven't wrote in here for awhile but it's because I have been busy. Firstly last night I dumped Trent, yes we have been going out for time now but I can't see it improving and he really isn't connecting with Kate. That is important to me I can't just be selfish and think of myself in a relationship I have Kate to think about It's not fair on her. Also my dad can't stand him he rudely interrupts my dad and doesn't listen and converse well with my dad. It makes me cringe when my dad goes to talk to him. Trent has stopped seeing all of friends now, which is silly I think.
I even have stopped going to visit Bell which I miss I stayed around keeping him company cause I felt sorry for him with not having friends to hang with, in the mean time realised I was then neglecting mine, maybe that was what he was hoping I'd do, if so that's crazy and sick almost as though they can control you then. So nope I went down to the servo on the corner of my street and rang him from there, mine you he was at my unit, yeah I know gutless and pathetic, I said I couldn't do it anymore explained myself and hung up.
Even though I did the dumping i felt sad and really disappointed in myself that I couldn't do it to his face. In the past I have been dumped this way and I did exactly what I hated and what made me upset.
The question is have I done the right thing letting him go? , who knows time will tell. That wasn't just it 20 minutes later as I was walking back he rings and said he just read my Journal, yes fucken cunt hey who does that. Actually I don't know it could be tempting if it were in front of you. For moment then I paused in silence then said "so what ?". Trent said "Glad we broke up anyway cause looks like you like girls too and I can't stand that". I replied with "bullshit Trent you were okay to watch Beck and I kiss and we all fuck each other in front of each other for goodness sake grow up".
I then got home to the front door left wide open and Trent no where to be seen, asshole someone could have just walked in stole everything. I had a bath and some chocolate and all of sudden felt great and free as a bird. This morning I went to Greenarces Shopping Centre to get some bread and dinner for tonight when I got back my Cd's were at the door and a note saying he burnt all my Studio 2000 photos that I gave him. I was fuming as they weren't cheap to purchase it took me a year to pay off completely. But after I calmed down just thought about how angry he must have been I have done similiar things in the past after breakups.
March 28th
Wow just had a unexpected visitor, it was Dennis, Trent's flatmate, Beck's boyfriend. I thought he was going to have a go at me about breaking up with Trent but I was wrong. Instead he asked if I were okay cause apparently Trent went around telling everybody that he broke it off. I laughed and told him the truth. Then he went on to mention that him and Beck broke up, he found out she was cheating on him also Trent was now seeing Beck's older sister. Well he moved on fast, I obviously did mean that much. We talked for awhile then it looked as though he had something on his mind. I asked him so why are you here.Dennis went shy and said "well I loved it that night watching Beck and you kissed then I could help myself but watch you in the mirror when I was fucking Beck".
I nearly choked on my drink. He went on to say "Penny you are beautiful I wish I was doing you that night or even a threesome". All I could say was "okay". He then sat closer slowly grabbed my glass from my hand placed it on the coffee table and kissed me. One thing led to another before i knew it we were having sex. he was insanely sexy too, yummy. We laid there and shared a smoke after and then I said "don't mean to be rude but my social worker is going to be here soon I need you to go but you are welcome back again".
I couldn't believe I did that not rushing him out but had sex with him, am I a slut?? I feel dirty.
On to some better news my sisters 21st was okay, not as good as I worked myself up for it to be. Vince did come for a little while but he was snobby and had some weirdo mate with him too. I don't like him what was I even thinking? hahaha anyway he wasn't interested either. I recon he is gay. As they say 'there is plenty other fish in the sea'. Hmm.. hard though with having a child, who will except that responsibility. Sophie got me onto a
dating service over the phone called 'Introline' today. It's weird I know but you don't have meet up. basically you listen to men or women talking about themselves what they are interested in and what they looking for; friendship/companionship, relationships or sometimes some want just to hook up. Also you might hear of couples wanting to have threesomes. Then they leave a code number you can message back on a answering machine thingy and see how it goes from there.
Well sadly no luck so far. I am upset, angry and confused that I can't find someone love me back. Will I ever find someone? I say confused because I still think about Jason every moment of the day. I don't know how he feels either which eats me up inside. I find myself crying a lot lately. I can't stand feeling like this.
28th January
Hello there Introline I received a message this morning on my answering machine. He sounds nice, his name is Ben. Ben just wants a friendship someone to hang out go to movies etc. That's okay I guess cause I should take things slowly especially how emotionally vulnerable I am right now. I am lonely so this would be nice. It is really fucked with my situation because I had to make a choice to stay here at Malvern House Women's Shelter because Jason left me with our new born child and staying with my parents would have been too stressful as my dad fights a lot with my mum.
I don't how would have coped though seriously so yeah here I am 2 and half months later. I wouldn't have got myself a house or unit that quick. Malvern House gives you short term accommodation with other benefits of having a safe place to stay. The staff help with child care services at least once a week whilst you attended art/craft lessons or women's groups.I pay $90 a week for a 2 bedroom fully furnished modern unit with nice gardens and closed in private backyard. We only had to bring linen and clothes etc. I pay electricity and gas and my phone bills of course too.
Oh wow so nervous just realised Ben will call me in 20 minutes. Shit what and how do I start a conversation with him,arghh!! I will go have a bong to calm me nerves.
28th February 2002 Wednesday
I lot of things have happened since i wrote in here last. Where do I start?
Firstly I went out with two guys from Introline. Ben which I mentioned in my other entries. We didn't last long as it was a friendship more but really nice. He took me out for dinner down by the one night. We even had a little cuddle watching the sun go down as we walked down the sand along the shore. Ben was sweet, but he just came out of a huge painful relationship a bit like me and he wasn't ready for anything more. Apparently he was state cricketer which took up most of his time also with training and interstate trips. Eventually he drifted out of my life and I never heard from him again.
The other guy was Darren, which I shouldn't have even gone down that road. He was strange. We spent some nights together, kissed a few times but mostly talked to get to know each other. The dumb idiot thought cause I didn't talk to him for a while wrote notes to Malvern House thinking he got me pregnant even though we didn't actually have sex. Yep!! I don't think he knew that ya have to get ya dick wet. Mum or Dad didn't teach him about the birds and bees obviously.
The next thing to happen was Sophie started going out with a new guy called Trent. One night at the shelter I heard a knock at my door it was really late nearly midnight. I was stunned to see it was him at my door. I asked him "whats going on, where's Sophie is she okay". Trent answered with "yes Penny she is okay, she is at my house, Sophie wants you to come over". I thought it was strange and why so late but still grabbed my things and rugged Kate up and left with him.
At first it was a long silence then he said "look, Sophie and I have been fighting because I want a threesome and she got me to choose one of her friends that I rather have join us, I chose you obviously, she isn't happy but wants to please me". Wow yes well now here was me not knowing how to take that bombshell let alone not knowing if I want to. Trent went on to mention how he thinks I'm hot and can't stop looking at me.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to, I mean Trent is hot. He is stocky with huge muscles. Trent was a furniture removerlist. But sorry to say Sophie wasn't that good looking and a little over weight.
It went silent for a bit again. I felt awkward and didn't know what to say. After thinking for while I said "um, I will if she is comfortable with it". Anyway it wasn't good we started to do it when Sophie said "can you let us be now Penny". I didn't want to I was getting into it, really enjoying how Trent was doing me hard. Then Trent got pissed off telling her to leave me alone he doesn't mind. Sophie started getting even more angry trying to get me to leave the room. "Apparently" Kate was crying in the next room, when none of us heard her.
I was mean mean hey!! Disgusting but I felt unreal.
When she went to get a drink, Trent couldn't stop putting his hands all over me and kissing my neck. Ooops! Sophie came back to catch us fully at it . I can't believe myself either, I did this. That was that she stormed into Beck and Dennis's room which Beck lives at Malvern House to but Dennis and Trent are flat mates. Sophie wakes them to tell them. Beck was then all up in my face swearing and calling me every name under the sun. Trent had to take me back to Malvern House before it got really nasty. The next day Sophie was still furious yelling abuse and throwing things out onto the car park. It was bad for I couldn't move from my unit afraid she would bash me.
I couldn't even get Beth to help me she was still in Sydney visiting her mum. Suddenly Sophie went back into her unit I quickly made a dash to the office for safety and tell someone.
A week later Emma moved out. Trent contacted me and we started going out. During this time Malvern House found me a unit too. A nice place in Windsor Gardens, two bedroom but it i made it mine. Felt bad about breaking them up should never have threesomes involving couples. Going out with Trent was great the best I felt in years.
The way he spoiled me and our sex was unbelievable. We went to Port Power games, out for dinner, to the drive-ins and even for Valentines Day he bought be chocolates, a rose and some sexy black and red lacy bra and g-string. Then he took me down to Aldinga Beach where we had sex for hours. After while Beck and Dennis forgave me for what happened that night. One night us four had a few drinks sitting around chatting. Beck grabbed me and took me to the bathroom and then she started putting make- up on me and doing my hair.
Beck said we should put on a show for our men they will never forget. She showed me some erotic clothing I could borrow. I ended up wearing all white nice top and short white skirt with lace up "fuck me"boots. Anyway it was another strange moment in my life that I had never experienced before. Dennis came up behind Beck who was behind me in the bathroom and put his arms around both of us and he whispered "aww how I could do both of you right now, you girls are so hot".
Next we were all slouching around on the couch drunk when Dennis said he wanted to see Beck and I kiss each other. So we did. Yummy she was a great kisser. Before I could do anything else Beck wanted more and Dennis was eager to see it too. Next beck puts on some awesome music to get us all in mood, she placed two chairs back to back in the middle of the lounge room. Beck told the men to sit. Beck started I watched then got the idea and confidence to start on Trent. Yes we gave our men a lap dance. Then Beck stripped off and started fucking Dennis so what the hell I thought I did too. It was insanely intense.
Dear journal,
Today was a fucked day. The day started at 7am for me, Kate just wouldn't go back to sleep. Then Bell( another resident) came around and asked for toilet paper. I gave it to her and talked for a bit. I thought she was staying home today but before she left my porch she said "Oh, I'm going to Noah's today".
The day dragged on, I was so bored and lonely, I thought she only meant the day. What a loser, I found myself crying.
Later on...
Stupid me the day didn't turn out that bad after all. I went to the shops to do some Christmas shopping, which I hadn't even started. Bell came back at 10pm. I spent hours talking to her since I didn't talk to anyone all day. She probably just wanted to sleep, but oh well. I stayed there until 2am and then trodded back to my unit.
24th December
Dear Journal,
Today is a fine day. It is warm but windy, a few clouds in the sky but no sign of rain. A new girl moved into Lara and Anna's old unit(next to mine). When I went up closer I thought the little boy running around outside looked familiar. Next minute out came a girl with a box. Wow! she was girl I met at Billy's years beforehand when her son, Joe . That very night she slept with my best friend, Cameron. I wasn't happy at the time cause my other friend Heather was going out with him and they just didn't care, they fucked each other in the room next over. Oh yes that's her name Rose.
Also Rose's junky friend Neve took off to get a "hit" and didn't bother worrying about her baby leaving it with us for hours on end. I think it was 4am when she came back , bitch face. Anyway enough about that I hope life is different for Rose now and that she doesn't hang around scum like that.
Bell has gone down to Bi-Lo to go food shopping and I am waiting on my sister and her friend Tara to visit. I feel mostly visiting Kate though. Just a thought cause I don't think if she was here they would won't to randomly come visit me :(
Later on....
Kate is sleeping now next couch over from me, snug in my blankets. She is so beautiful, I love her. Kate is what keeps me going.
I'm also scared and it only because Bell and I were on the subject , it made me think and look at my dates on the calender. I might be preggy!!Dates say I have missed two periods. I hope not arghhh. I wouldn't know how to handle it especially two babies at once. But the other hand I don't believe in abortions. Bell said she will come to the doctors with me on Thursday. If I'm not pregnant I will make sure I get contraception since Jason and I still have sex occasionally even though we split, kinda.
FUCK FUCK FUCK, I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO WRITE FOR TODAY!!!
25th December
CHRISTMAS DAY!!! :)
It was okay to start with until dad and I decided to give out presents. My cousin Mel went 'troppo'. Mel tried to make everyone in the family to not buy present anymore except the children. We didn't want to be bossed around like that. As soon as I gave her husband his she stormed out the front door whilst yelling at her husband for excepting his present.
Yes it was a eventful day indeed.
26th December
What a sad day for I haven't stopped crying, Jason officially broke up with me over the phone mind you too. I knew it was going to happen soon or later but yeah it is still heart breaking since he was my first real love. Jason didn't want to settle down so young and to have baggage like a child. I was, well had to pull myself together and do so. Jason is a player and probably always will be. He can't get enough sex. I mean I love sex but this was insane, he got angry and emotionally abusive if you didn't fuck him when he wanted it.
Jason didn't care when either people around he would want you to go to the bedroom.
If it was more 3 days he would call you abnormal like I needed help from a professional or something. I gave him my all, totally letting go when having sex. I admit it was unreal sex, the best I ever had before. But it still wasn't enough for him.
He often would mention the way he was brought up. How the rich girls he did it with would not have any boundaries. They would be involved in threesomes, do it public places and have anal. Where anything goes.This wasn't for me. I was constantly feeling not good enough and my self esteem lowered over time. Jason would look at other girls while I was in his company, watch porn and read FHM mags.
So yes I knew we wouldn't last but I still love him I don't know why. Plus our families were completely different, wouldn't work. His family are rich. His mother is a Gynecological and owns her a practice. My family are as they say 'common'.
Anyway found out he is going out with a 17 year old girl named Diana. A tall slender girl with mousy brown hair. Diane is apparently a dancer, a ballet dancer. She is part of the ballet company in Twin Street, Adelaide. Yeah obviously met through those other sluts, Ruth and Carmine that hang off Jason at Hindmarsh Square at lunch when I go there to meet my friends.
He probably has had Ruth and Carmine too by now, who knows.
I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!!!! :(
27th December
Dear Journal,
I still can't get Jason out of my head. It's not easy to just move on after being with each other for 3 years. We did have some fantastic times he did sweep me off my feet, he was very good looking and charming.
Today I went shopping it was a great therapy session for these unwanted feelings.
(not to self save $50 for New Years)
I found this quote the other day from my social worker that made me think more than it ever did when I first received it.
"If you don't heal yourself now, you'll bleed into the future"
28th December
Went to Ursula and Danny's New Year's Party. It was wild, heaps of cute guys there and also caught up with old friends from high school. Got so smashed.
Here's to a better year!!!
Dear Journal,
I am not sure whats going on if this is just me, in my crazy head of mine. But lately Bell doesn't seem as friendly towards me.Is she just tired of me coming over all the time, although she came here today twice I stayed at mine just to see. How's this though, the last time she came over was to ask me to wash her dishes since she made me dinner the last two nights. I didn't ask her to she wanted to. Anyway I went and did them I didn't want to argue. Then I went back to clean my unit, mop the floors and clean the bathroom mostly. Then she bloody invites me over about 8pm that night but then there was no point she didn't really talk much and wanted to sleep at 10pm. I feel used sometimes.. I think I'll make myself scarce for a few weeks. What is wrong?? This might sound weird coming from me but I like her. I mean like like, a crush, eek. There is something about her. I think I might be bi-sexual but don't never knew. I know she is . Should I tell her. Will she try something on me and then again I will be upset if she doesn't like me that way arghh. I get jealous of the way she talks about her friends Stella and Trudy. Anyway I can't think anymore my head hurts Good night....
2nd January
Dear Journal,
A total fucked day. I fought with Jason over the phone. :(
I just want to know why he cheated on me? Could I have changed something? Can we still be together if we talked it through?
ARGHHHH!!!! WHY?????
3rd January
Dear Journal,
Went to the beach with Beth and Tanya. We traveled to town then went on the bus to Hendley Beach.
It was a great day so relaxing we had no kids. Beth bought some drinks and then we headed home about 4ish.
7th January
MONDAY
Dear Journal, I am excited. My sister came over yesterday to give me an invitation to her 21st Birthday party, on the 25th January. It's going to be fantastic. It is a Black and White theme. A lot of people are invited. Apparently a jukebox or DJ whatever she chooses will rock!!
Later on...
I had counselling today with Morag. It is going hard considering since within the time I saw her last Jason and I broke up.
Awww!! and it was I couldn't stop crying, I was a mess.
8th January
Dear Journal,
Today was crap. I haven't done much at much at all. Kate didn't sleep very well last night. She just fell asleep though, she must be tired so yeah it's a early one for her 5:45pm. Beth went book her plane tickets at Modbury and then to meet up with Noah in town. I don't think she will be home tonight. I might have a few drinks by myself. Not sure yet, see how I feel. Georgina and Simone ended up giving me a surprise visit yesterday. We had a good time catching up. Simone mentioned she lives not far from the shelter to come visit whenever I want.
So I invited them to my sisters party, as she did say I can invite some of my friends too.
9th January
Dear Journal,
Hot. Hot. Hot
The weather is really hot at the moment hard to sleep comfortably. Last night I slept at my parents house, which was better since they have efficient air-conditioning.
Hmm.. Today I'm thinking about dyeing my hair Blue/black, not sure. Kate is moving a lot more now. Rolling around. Right now she is rolling on the bed onto her stomach, it's so cute. Arghh!! Bloody inspection tomorrow. I have to clean my unit. It's not really that bad but they are very strict around here.
11th January
Dear Journal,
I only just got paid fucking $250 yesterday, crap hey. The worst after rent and food I have $80 left. Besides this last night scored a new quilt cover and some wild clothes from Sophie.
Sophie is great she also took Kate for me this morning at 3am. To give me some sleep. It was wonderful, I slept until 9:30 am. Then she took her again, pretty much all day. I think she likes it too because she only has boys, two boys.
I did some things around my unit. I also decided to put on a fake tan. Which will never attempt again. It's fucking orange, like a pumpkin . Not funny at all.
Anyway during all this me time I was thinking to myself I need to move on and shouldn't feel guilty about it either. Obviously Jason isn't coming back to me. So I thought people that were likely. Hmm.. I thought about Vince. I wonder if he will turn up to my sisters party. Might suss him out. What he is doing with his life? Could we ever leave off where we once when were younger? Has he got a girlfriend?
Vince was a tall, skinny, pale skinned blonde haired boy who was my neighbor behind my house when were growing up. I remember he seemed lonely always in his backyard playing basketball for hours on end.
Hahaha... I was always curious, I spied on him a to through the bushes that lined our fence.
One day my dad told me to come with him, as he walked towards the back fence. My dad asked him his name and introduced himself and I then just like that, mine you embarrassing too my dad without asking Vince just lifts me over the fence and said simply 'have fun kids'. That's just how my dad is so spontaneous!!
Funny dad probably thought we would just become simple innocent friends, but how he was so wrong. We started out just spending everyday together, riding bikes, going to the movies, playing basketball, going to the baseball, went ice skating together and when he got his license we went on many trips to the hills etc.
But it all started on bicycle ride down the local creek, we used to go through tunnels, it was thrilling. Anyway on this day we stopped for a rest before we went into the tunnel and a drink. I sat on the brick wall where our bikes lent against. When expectantly Vince just kissed me. I didn't respond for a bit, then he said "I like you, Penny". I said holding my chest in shock "sorry, yep I didn't expect that, I mean I do too but yeah wow". I still remember the intense feeling I felt all over, warm and tingly. Then we kissed again but I that time was more involved, it was passionate and long lasting. We used our tongues, which was unusual but sensual.
As years went by we grew apart I met others in the neighborhood and I guess pushed him away.
I lost my virginity to him though before we split, it was on my birthday in car mind you up at Sky Lookout. Yes not very romantic hey but yeah. After that I went out with nearly every boy in my neighborhood but didn't sleep with them. Oohh I forgot I did sleep with Trent who lived in the corner units at the end of my street that was never told to anyone because it was great but wrong in so many ways. Firstly my best friend, Lauri really liked him, he was going out with some one, he lived next to a family friend and he was in his 20's when I was just 14 years old.
Yep, but he was so hot. Anyway I was nothing to him the cunt never spoke about it again or did anymore. I guess he was scared what the repercussions could be. Well back to life in my neighborhood, in those years it just the norm to all hang out, girls and guys. We would smoke, drink and have a fucking great time being young. One week your going out with someone and then minute your friend is holding hands or kissing them and obviously without saying it your out of the picture but your still in the circle, weird to some but eh!
Gee! I found myself recollecting but very much babbling off here major.
So my question to myself is I wonder what life would have been like if I stayed with Vince for longer and never got involved with these other people? I don't regret these memories but just plain curious.
Off the subject, umm just found out Jason's younger brother is going out with that fucking slut Carmine, the Ballet chick.
No one is awake at Malvern House except Beth, Mel and I but not each other company.
With all my life experiences so far I feel as though I am 25 years old not 19 years old nearly 20. I have seen and done so much but not to make myself proud. No real achievements. I have hopes and dreams. I guess my smaller goals are to be stable, emotionally is the biggest. To realise my abilities and overcome my fears. Become confident in my own skin. To know one's elf and purpose on this earth. I don't even know what sexuality I am, I am very confused thanks to Jason.
12th January
9am
Dear Journal,
Funny I was about to write December. Wow! it's going to fast soon it's my sisters party. Right now I am watching RAGE. Listening to Janet Jackson's song 'Son of a gun'. I love it. Kate is doing strange shit. Cutie is sitting up in her bouncer without the head support. Looks as though in a minute she will get up in it and just walk away. Beth is leaving for leaving Sydney tomorrow. Golly! it will be boring here without her.
Yeah! another great song Basement Jaax with 'Wheres my head at'. How I feel like that sometimes. WHERES MY HEAD AT? Rage is followed by Video Hits which is in 5 minutes.
Today is going to be very interesting and daunting. I am going to Mobelong men's Prison at Murray Bridge with Sophie to visit her children's father DJ. Only one other time I have been to such a place it was the Adelaide Remand Centre to visit a friend, Stefany boyfriend years ago.
13th January
Dear Journal,
Today was fine. I knew something was going to go down though, a feeling in my gut. Sophie and Darren (new friend) went to a petrol run. It's not far away I thought they would be back by now, 30 minutes is way too long. Fuck! they have been busted I recon. Darren's friend Frank was left with me at Sophie's unit looking after the tots. Then shit hits the fan , Carol (staff member) knocks at the door. Fucking funny at the time we were running around hiding smoking utensils and anything we could get in trouble for. carol makes her way inside to see Frank on the couch watching T.V. She told him he wasn't allowed there at this time of the night for it was now past curfew. We have curfews to protect other residents that come from domestic violence situations and all sorts of other issues like custody orders etc. Yeah it sucked but that was the rules.
We could come and go as we please but curfew for visitors was 8pm.
I got into trouble mostly because I cannot be looking after Sophie's children. Sophie is responsible of her own children. Blah! Blah!Blah! like I was going to let them play with fucking matches or something. I argued for awhile but then felt there was no use.
Later on...
I got more angry because then I received a text from bitch face, Carmine. It went like this.
"Good work Beth on last night. You had a spare 5 minutes to get your head out from her pussy"
To read this made me laugh more than get too angry considering she is screwed in the head. Who knows what's going on. What is Jason saying? Is she writing this off her own back, reading his messages without him knowing, who fucking knows, who cares anymore she can have the wanker.
It just started because last night Carmine wrote.
"Keep your hands off Jason, you whore"
Sophie had my phone, read it and abused her back for me. So dumb bitch thought it was Beth when it wasn't. What a laugh!!
My sister and my cousin Mel came over today to visit. I enjoyed their company because I was bored.
Shitty! Sophie is still not back. She is going to be in a whole lot of trouble when she gets back. I can't imagine what, maybe even kicked out fro breaking the rules of Malvern House. At midnight she said she will be doing the banks too. Hopefully she remembers what I need. I need nappies, smokes and I have the munchies I want Macca's. I hope I don't get trouble as well. Carol wants to see me tomorrow in this office. Oh no! my pipe is only slightly pushed under Sophie's couch hopefully she doesn't find it.
I am going to stop writing for now. maybe when she gets back I'll write down the dramas that unfold..
Ta Ta!!!
P.S I miss Beth Tonight
14th January
Today I went to a healing session called "Living with Losses". It is run by Silvia and Hope, the Malvern House staff members. It is to talk about feelings of anger, sadness and letting go of hurt. This could be about death of someone close, break ups, trauma or just anything you need to talk about to make yourself feel better.
I talked about my friends dying in a car crash when they were 14 years old how this affected me, my break up with Kate's father, Jason and wanting to be re-united with my best friend from years ago, Lauri. I had a little cry, well actually whole lot of tears, but it felt great to release the pain I was feeling. It felt as though a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I thought writing in this journal would help but that wasn't the case it does kind of but actually expressing to real people, to hear it, it is real and it fucken hurts. I couldn't keep it bottled up any longer.
Right now I am laying on my couch watching "Everyone loves Raymond", I love it. It nearly makes me piss myself sometimes. I don't know why but I rang Jason last night. I was nice to him this time. He mentioned that he was going for his security guard license. Jason wants to work on the doors in town at pubs and clubs, typical. I mean perfect way to chat up lots of girls and perve. Anyway it's great for him to do something I suppose.
Awww! It still makes me ache knowing we will never be with each other again.
Later on....
Watched a sad movie called "Philadelphia, starring Tom Hanks. Gee, the sound track really moves you too. I went through a couple hundred tissues put it that way, very sad. Lucky it was finished for at least enough time to clean myself up cause Trudy came over. Trudy invited me to her unit to chill out for a while. It has been unfortunate that I haven't spent time with her to get to know her better. Trudy is moving soon, within a week or so. She seems like down to earth cool chick.
I thought she was a shy and hahaha a "straight" girl. No way! yep she pulled out a bong and some weed. Also noticed she had her tongue pierced and eyebrow. Trudy got me wacked. We had a great chat about general things and then I went home about 1am.
17th January
Today was a scorcher at 34 degrees and humidity was very high, yucky sticky weather I hate it. I found out why Rose slammed the door in face this morning. Sophie told me Frank likes me and wants to get with me. Rose thought she was going to be hooked up with him. Sophie told her that he doesn't find her attactive but wouldn't mine me. Arghhh! Oh dear It's not my fault for goddess gracious, seriously the bloke isn't that crash hot to fight over.
I suppose it just feels great to be liked that way that's all. After having Jason break -up with me and having Kate my self-esteem was low. Well now that has made things a little uncomfortable around here now. Oops!
I think it's hilarious that she has worked herself up so much about it though, she needs to grow up. Just seen Rose and Sophie pull out the driveway I think Sophie said something earlier about Rose wanting to visit her ex.
Oh, Jason has passed his exam for getting his license, I wished him congratulations. I know we are now apart but I think it's healthy to be friends and for Kate's sake too. Yep, time for a bong.
Nothing else to write except woop woop 7 days to my sisters 21st Birthday.
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away" ( anonymous)
26th January
Dear Journal,
Not good, Jason and I slept together. See that just confusing me and fucks with my head. I mean the sex was fantastic don't get me wrong but knowing he broke it off, he sleeps with other girls, what the hell is wrong with me to do this. And he is wrong to take advantage of me at this point in time. Does he still love me? or Was I just used to a quick ride. I couldn't help it but say in the middle of having sex that I still loved him.
Jason also had the nerve to tell me that he fucked both those Ballet bitches, when his younger brother is going out with Carmine and he is suppose to be with Diane. Twisted shit hey. How can Jason do that to his own brother and poor Diane doesn't know either. They don't care who they might hurt along the way as long as they are pleasured.
Anyway I spoke to Morag, my counselor about this and she suggested to try not get myself into that situation never be alone with him where I can be easily seduced. I am too emotionally unstable right now.
This song reminds me of when Jason and I used to go for drives through the hills, we used to play Korn this was my fav song even though it seems sad it made me happy.
