Tuesday, May 1, 2012

April 2002 continued...

Life is unfair why do I kept thinking about Jason no relationship or fling i have can compare to how he made me feel even though he strayed from me, it aches to know he isn't coming back......

I hate when this comes on the radio or Video Hits makes me cry and hit pillows in anger...

April 13th

Yes it's been a while since my last entry and a lot has happened. Firstly today I am very emotional as it 4 years today that my friends died in a horrific car accident. Katie and Chantel would have been 18 years old. I was closer to Katie than Chantel but it was still sad their lives were cut short so young. The night was a Friday, the 13th mind you not that I'm superstitious but yeah eerie. katie went to Chantel's for a sleepover. Last time I saw them alive was at Paradise Interchange after school. They didn't go to my high school, they both attended Norwood and Moriata High School. I met katie through another friend who lived around the corner from her and then Katie introduced me to Chantel weeks before they passed.
Anyway they were meant to go watch videos down the road from Chantel's. Chantel was friends with twin boys, we all knew of them as the William boys. Well their curfew was 11:30pm and Chantel's parents were woken up at 12pm that night thinking the torch lights down the driveway was them trying to sneak inside as they were late but sadly it was the police to tell them they died 8pm that night. Instead of going where they were suppose to go they went for a drive to Gawler with Chantel's older boyfriend at the time and a mate.
Apparently Katie and Chantel were very unlucky to be in the back seat as it was an oldish car that wasn't and didn't have to be fitted with seat belts. They could have survived otherwise, maybe. But I think they would have considering they got thrown out the car when it rolled and smashed into trees. The two blokes were fine and the driver was sent to jail for 5 or more years.
Over the years it has became easier. I will never forget though.
Then lately I'm having the realisation that Jason isn't coming back to me EVER!!! It's sinking in but with great pain. People may think I've moved on but that's just a brave face inside I'm crumbling feels as though if I start to cry I may never stop. I have wrote letters to him but didn't send them reading back over them I think they are corny and if I was him I would rip them up. Yesterday I even rip them up too. There is no point.

" Did you ever love a guy and know he didn't love you,
   Did you ever want to cry and wonder what he'd do,
   Did you ever look into his eyes and say a little prayer,
   Did you ever look into his heart and wish that you were there"
                                                                                                          By Anonymous 

This song was played at Chantel's funeral, also ' smoking in the boys room'  as she was a little rebel.

In between today and last entry I started seeing more and more of Simon. Some how he ended up moving into my unit we thought he was there most the time may as well. As I got to know him I had a strange relationship with him love/hate. He was so charming in his own little way, then the other hand I didn't like his attitude when he din't have dope. Simon had days where he was silent and didn't want to talk. Some days he  wouldn't come back even. His friends would come over to ask where he was, I mean he could have been dead and I wouldn't know.
Then there was this day he said look I got myself a car pointing to a commodore in my driveway. Found out after getting in it for a drive that it was stolen. Yep! I knew he had done time for stealing cars and similar things but thought being jail this would have stopped him. Stupid me believed him that he got it from a friend of his cousin Sean. After awhile I realised everyday he was getting up early so he could go do crime to get money for drugs and smokes etc. I was getting very uneasy about this as I had Kate to worry about.
Some reason I had just shrugged this off because I liked him and the thought of him liking me. I didn't want to be alone again.

May 3rd 

My life just gets worse why do I hold onto such a nasty person. Simon basically doesn't talk to me only if he needs something. He shows more love toward Kate than me, he hasn't touched me in any kind of way for ages now. He annoys me with his obsessive behaviors about how clean the house should be, calls me names for not mopping the floor everyday for god sake. He doesn't open up tell me why he is doing this to me. I feel it makes it harder now to say fuck off to him because Kate is attached to him like a father figure because Jason doesn't see her very often.
But I have to be honest this isn't going to work out. I hate feeling down everyday. I have even stopped leaving the house to go visit my friends like Beth. So tomorrow I have decided to go see her I really miss her company I need laugh and a chat. Beth has house warming on Friday so if I stay two nights I can go to her House Warming Party.

May 6th

Loved my time spent with Beth. I had a blast. Just like old times back at Malvern House. Beth's House Warming Party was awesome she had a lot of people there some were known faces which were great. We danced, sang and played drunken limbo in the backyard whilst it poured down with rain but we all didn't care. It was great to feel free and happy, letting myself go. While at Beth's I didn't think about my life back at my unit with Simon at all. I didn't care if he wonder where I was, nothing.

Awww!! This is a song from 2011/12 but I love it always makes me get up, sing and clap my hands.

Then while on the train back from Beth's house on Saturday morning. The train stopped at a station as I looked out the window I recognised a guy I used to know back in the day, when I was with Jason, he lived at the same halfway home as Cameron we all used to hang out when I had my unit at Newton. His name is Tray, now Tray yes is probably 3 years younger than me but he is hot. I quickly got off and ran over to him, thank god he was pleased to see me or else I would have looked spastic. We talked for awhile then he asked if I wanted to come over to oval adjacent to the train tracks to smoke some cones and talk.
We chatted and smoked for a good 2 hours, reminiscing the old days. After awhile I was getting hungry and wanted to get some food some where and anything I just had the munchies badly. He said there was a deli I could grab something to bite which was close by he would take me there. So I got a pie, chips and a coke. Yes I ate bad foods when I had the munchies. On the way back he said we should go to his friends house that he was meaning to go visit earlier but we ran into each other instead. So I thought what the hell I didn't need to be anywhere and I'm sure not looking forward to going back to my lonely unit, even if Simon was there I felt alone and depressed.
So we walked to this friend of his house it wasn't too far away. That night we ended up staying there I figured by the sound of it Tray didn't have a place of his own probably still lived in halfway homes but eh who cares that was none of my business. By this time i couldn't help but flirt with Tray he is hot, gorgeous smile in a gangster way. I know that is a half hearted attempt to describe him but you just have to see him the way he expresses himself and he is so darn nice. I also know he likes me too it's obvious. I decided to hang for another night because I didn't need to get Kate until next day. This is where it finally happened. We played music and smoked bongs. Tray came out and told me that he was happy Jason and I split because he wanted me.
I blushed not knowing what to say but forward as I can be I just grabbed him and started kissing him, it was hilarious considering his friend Warren quickly got up and left the room saying I'll leave you guys to it then. Awww!! Tray was amazingly sexy. He knew how to satisfy. Tray moved his hand down towards my jeans and unbuttoned them and he slowly inserted in fingers. I was wet already just thinking about it. Tray thrusted his fingers inside me hard, fast and deep, just the way I liked it. I was moaning uncontrollable by this stage hate to hear what I sounded like when he actually fucked me. His kisses were unreal I just wanted to eat him like chocolate, yummy. Then he pinned me against the wall in the lounge room, I could feel his raging erection, I so wanted it inside me that I found myself saying give it to me.
 Finally Tray takes off his clothes as he is still staring at me,then he kissed my neck and stopped to rip off my top and undo my bra. I decided to take over for getting my jeans off as they were tight ones to get off.  Slowly he lifted me and placed me on the couch, laid on top Tray placed a pillow under my buttocks and put my legs on his shoulders he grabbed my hips and he entered me with hard . I had multiple orgasms and I couldn't help but squirt everywhere. The more a groaned and squirted the deeper and faster he fucked me. I absolutely loved it.  The only other person that ever came near that was Jason but Tray lasted longer and had a huge cock, I'm not kidding wow biggest I've seen. The sensation through my veins was like a drug, it made me feel high, if only I could bottle that rush. My legs were like jelly after and I felt dizzy. 
All I could think of after was if only he could be my boyfriend but it could never happen as his life wasn't stable he couldn't cope with a child especially being Jason's. But could you imagine the look on Jason's face if we ended up together, priceless. But honestly I'm just another fuck to him that's all it is, unfortunately. Eh!! that's life I'm pretty much used of this now that's why I don't feel so bad when I cheat or have random sex. Men do it and don't feel the slightest bit ashamed I do it I feel ashamed but what can I do just be stupid thinking they are all so devoted just to me, if I could be so lucky. To me they are all the same got to get their dicks wet somehow. I am satisfied now. Simon wasn't giving to me anymore fuck that he probably is doing some other girl as if he would go without it that long, it's impossible especially for a bloke.
I wish someday I will find someone that will be faithful that loves me for who I am, who I could trust. That makes me feel like I don't need to stray either. 

I am on the pursuit of happiness, this song wasn't around then but what a feel good song......

May 7th

I left before anyone got up no point in staying or even saying goodbye nothing would come of our affair. I caught the train back to Adelaide then bus back home. Plus I needed to back before 1pm for Kate. I was shocked to find my front door kicked in when arrived home. I thought someone broke in I walked in slowly and weary. I even put my impulse spray from my handbag in my hand to spray some trespasser if they came at me. Yes hilarious hey but it would still hurt like pepper spray it's the next best alternative. Anyway I seen nothing inside my unit was touched everything was neat even the music was playing so Simon must have been and gone. Next minute he burst through the door with his friend Russel following behind. I asked what the hell happened. Simon replied in a angry voice "you decided to fuck off somewhere for god knows how many days and left me with no keys or idea where you were". I snapped back  " I didn't need to fucking tell you it's not like you fucking tell me where you go half the fucking time how dare you just kicked a hole in my door this is a rental ya fuck".
I got very emotional by this point I split my beans about how I felt alone and not loved anymore. I just had to . Simon was a asshole he just laughed in my face looked away and started packing bongs. I went all psycho on him yelling profanities calling him a crim all sorts. For the first time he actually yelled back at me, right up close to my face it scared me and I cried so hard. Then he had the nerve to accuse me of cheating on him with Jason, yeah right I wish but we know I did. But I didn't really feel as though it was cheating as such considering the way he treated me it felt like it was over ages ago but he didn't say it just used me for a roof over head, food, money and drugs that I could get on tick. Simon the came up brushed my hair away from my neck and said " there fucking hickies bitch don't tell me you didn't".
At this point I lied I said my friend Beth gave them to me when she was drunk that's where I went. I even said he could ring and ask her. If he did want to she would cover for me she hated him anyway.
I ended up saying"fuck off I don't want you hear anymore". I felt like I had no control cause he sat there ignoring me talking to his friend. Until Kate came I stayed in my room writing in this journal. I felt embarrassed and lied when my parents came over to drop off Kate I told them someone broke in even had to say I reported it and everything. Whilst saying this I thought what on earth am I going to say to my youth worker I had to think it through because she was going to do her usual visit on Monday. ( biting nails).