Monday, April 30, 2012

April 2002

April 2nd

Well Dennis never came back and I don't think he ever will, I was obviously used. Now I feel even worse like some easy slut, yuck. Today was awesome considering feeling like this to start with. I went to town to do some girly shopping for new tops, jeans and maybe a nice dress, when I ran into my beat friend from high school years. he didn't go to my school but I met him at Paradise Bus Interchange where many of us from different schools went to catch our buses to the surrounding local high schools. His name was Cameron you might of realised I mentioned him once in my first few entries. Anyway I went to Kildare College, a all girls school and he went to Windsor Gardens and there were many others we hung out with at Paradise from different local schools.
I met him down there one day when I it was a weekend. I was there with my best friend Yasmine. Cameron came up to us with his mate Ollie. They introduced themselves and asked for a smoke of us. We all talked for awhile. As from that day on we were all friends. Yasmine didn't really like them though as she was a little snobby. Yasmine came from a well classed family that lived in a rich suburb called Athelstone, she lived in a two storey home with her family. That was just the way she was she didn't mine hanging out with me even though my family family weren't rich just hated as she would put it "ferel guys that dressed like gangtas".
Ollie apparently liked her though thought she was hot and Cameron liked me, funny thing was I liked Ollie he was hotter than Cameron but Cameron was sweet and great personatlity.
Everyday I would meet Cameron and other at the Interchange to chat and smoke before school. I got to know Ollie and ended up getting into a relationship with him but he was a player cheated on me many a time, I still liked him an wrote numerous letters to him that passed to Cameron to give him when I didn't see him. I still think to this day did Cameron ever give them to him cause I knew how much he liked me and wanted to go out with me. But I will never know. Anyway years later this is how I met Jason as well, Jason was working in town at Mc Donalds and Cameron and Jason were close friends for many years prior, small world hey.
Anyway back to meeting him in town. I spotted him in the middle of the Rundle Mall in front of the Malls Balls. Cameron was with a group of guys, a lot of them. At first I wasn't sure if I should go up and say hello cause there were so many of them and would he want to talk after so many long. I thought after awhile who cares do it. So I went up poked him in side and said "hey Al Bundy". That was my nickname I gave him no one else called him that. I named him that because he used to like to put his hand down his pants like Al Bundy in Married with Children that show years and years ago.
He quickly turned and smiled, picked me up and said "wow Penny it's you I just can't believe it". He was so overwhelmed with excitement. I was blown away with his reaction. We hugged for awhile. By this time his friends were staring wondering who the hell I was. Cameron then turned around with his arm around my waist and said "this is my favorite girl, my best friend Penny we haven't seen each other for a long time". They said hello and put their hands out. I got invited to go down to the Torrens for a session and some drinks with him and his mates. It was fun, they were such a funny bunch of blokes and some were sexy as I couldn't keep my eye off a few them.
Cameron and I used to love this song.

After a few hours some of them had to leave to meet people or go home so I asked Cameron if he would like to come back to my place for some more cones and drinks, he didn't decline. We talked and laughed reminiscing the good old days when we were younger I put on some tunes by this stage we were so pissed I was falling all over the place I even broke an ornament, two glasses and spilt drinks on him and myself. But we both laughed even harder. As the night progressed we started getting closer on the couch and starting kissing heavy and yes once again I sex arghhh!!!
This time it was probably worse cause he was my best friend not someone I thought of in that way even though this was his dream come true. Will this destroy our friendship forever I don't know, I hope not.
SHIT SHIT SHIT.  I wish some one would just smack me across the face or help find out why I do this.
After we were both a little shocked that we done it except he looked happier than I did. We had a couple of cones and a smoke. Then Cameron said he had to get back for his curfew. Cameron was living in a boys shelter, he had been in and out of different ones his whole life.
Cameron was a trouble child and his parents gave up on him so he was a ward of the state basically. It didn't make it better if he wanted to get better he hung around many troubled kids and all they knew was to do crime, break in to cars for goods and steal the cars sometimes too. Cameron's curfew was 11pm he was already 30 minutes late they got punished if they didn't come back in time extra chores and not aloud out for a week, so even though he was going to punished anyhow he needed to leave ASAP to not make it worse. I walked him to the end of my driveway and pointed to where the bus stop is.
As we were hugging our goodbyes a guy came from across the road he approached looking very desperate.he introduced himself as Nick. Cameron looked at me then back to him and said "I know you mate I was once in lock up with you". Nick said "Oh yeah Cameron, right?, in Magill Training Centre when were 15 years old". They both laughed. I thought gee how people meet sometimes. Nick went on to explain how he just got out of the Remand Centre and he was hanging for some weed. Cameron said he needed to go badly so we said goodbye and Nick and Cameron shook hands.
I went on say that could get him one tomorrow as it were too late in the night then to get a bag. I said " I know a lady that I got weed on tick". He looked disappointed but said "thats ok ". Nick went to walk off when I said "hello I get that tomorrow morning but if ya want a rage right now come to mine I just live over there in that unit", as I pointed to my unit. Nick was pleased to hear that and followed me to my unit. NO and I didn't have sex with him I was good, I gave him two and he left.
Nick is hot though!!!
I like bad boys, laughs!!!
Boys like them would make life more interesting!!!

April 3rd

Today this morning I walked down to Trudy's house. Trudy is long time friend of mine as well someone I get dope from. Trudy only lives a few streets away from me. She used to live nearby at Windsor gardens Caravan park for 15 years with her boyfriend Alex and her brother Reese. At one stage Jason, Heather( my school friend that went out with Cameron) and myself lived there too in our own caravan, we couldn't afford a unit in short notice so we rented a caravan for about 3 months.
Anyway Trudy and I talked for awhile for we were overdue for a catch up session. I was ready to go when Reese offered me a lift home it wasn't far but Reese was sweet like that. About an hour after I got back Nick turned up at my door. We had a good session and talked a lot. he opened up, he didn't hold back he told me about his life and the crime he does, like stealing cars, I guess he felt comfortable and could trust me. I never judge as I have done many a thing I am not proud of and what people do is there business.
I really enjoyed his company so much I made him stay longer for lunch. I made him something easy, a sandwich. But I guess being in Remand food taste like shit and he seemed to like it the way he scoffed it down.
Later in the evening I ordered pizza and we sat watching t.v. It was getting cold so I got out the throw rug as I didn't have a heater. I put some on him. After a few minutes he put his hand my leg I made out I didn't notice like hello stupid me as if you don't notice, I was just nervous. Yes I know me nervous but I was I don't know why. Nick then held my face with one arm and started kissing me. YEP YOU CAN GUESS WHAT WE DID, SAY NO MORE!!!

One Studio 2000 photo I had left from all the ones Trent burnt.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

March 2002 continues

"I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me,
but I find I am grateful for having loved them,
the gratitude has finally conquered the loss"

I say this because not only for the people who have been in my life as lovers but as friends who have passed as well. These two great songs express it all.

March 3rd

Today Trent and I were sitting back relaxing watching television when we heard a knock at the door, at my unit. I opened the door and was shocked to see Kane, which is a long time family friend of ours. I haven't seen him in ages. He looked different, shaved head, skinnier and had Tattoos. I was suspicious why he bought along his girlfriend sister. She was gorgeous, maybe he was seeing her behind her back who knows not my business.
I invited them in and introduced them to Trent. We talked for about two hours, he filled me in on what he is doing with his life now. It was great to see Trent getting along with him too. For I was getting a little worried as Trent has being ignoring his closet friends of late, I didn't want him doing that. I found it strange. Also wondering why he hasn't introduced to his family yet either I mean I have, it makes me wonder.
Anyway Kane mentioned that he goes camping down the River Murray a far bit they have jet ski's and just chill have fun and drink. Before he left he offered for us to come up the River next time they go, he got my number cause he only had my address cause my dad passed it on to him so he could visit me. It was funny cause when we were younger my sister and I used to call him Kane Toad just mucking around paying him out. Kane was much older than us but he still lived with his mum until he was in his early twenties.

March 8th

Today was a very sad day. My mum called to tell me some really bad news, Kane died. Yes Kane that just came to visit a couple prior. I got shivers up my spine and felt sick at this horrible news. My mum told me he  was at his place when Kane and his mate were walking to their car parked out on the street when 12 blokes jumped them and bashed him. They had cricket bats as well. They held his friend back by holding his arms behind his back only were after Kane. Kane's injuries were mostly to the back of his head. Kane's parent talked to doctors and decided to turn off the machine, the likelihood of coming out of the coma was slim or even if he did he would be a vegetable. That would have to be the worst decision that they would have to make, could you imagine.
I am crying so hard and very shocked. I can't believe it. He was just here last Monday, fucking hell life is harsh. Kane was too young to die, not fair!!! I rang Trent to tell him even though he didn't know him like I did, I thought I needed someone to talk to. Trent came over straight away and we cuddled for hours, that felt pleasant. Trent even stayed the night, I couldn't be alone.

March 16th

I am up getting ready to go to Kane's memorial service. The family can't have a funeral yet as the body hasn't been released there still needs a Autopsy. It's hard I mean what do I say to the family arghh!!
I was thinking today maybe someone found out he was doing his girlfriends sister and organised this to be done, is that inappropriate to say, not that I would mention what I am thinking to the family at this time of grief or actually even ever but it's a thought this could have been why but he still didn't deserve it.

I am going now talk later.....

Later on ...

Gee that was a strange but great day it wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. They all tried to be happy and rejoice in the memories they had of him. His friends got up and spoke as well. There were some hilarious stories told about things he did and said as he grew up and until recently before he passed. I even had a weird conversation with his girlfriend with made me feel quite strange, she said I looked like her younger sister that died years ago not the one that came over of course but yeah then she pulled all her friends and others over to check me out and they all agreed, yeah creepy. She nearly cried even, I gave her a hug to make her feel a little better.
I'm glad this day is over I need to sleep it's 10pm but I am emotionally tired right now.

Goodnight Journal RIP Kane Until we meet again.....

March 23

I haven't wrote in here for awhile but it's because I have been busy. Firstly last night I dumped Trent, yes we have been going out for time now but I can't see it improving and he really isn't connecting with Kate. That is important to me I can't just be selfish and think of myself in a relationship I have Kate to think about It's not fair on her. Also my dad can't stand him he rudely interrupts my dad and doesn't listen and converse well with my dad. It makes me cringe when my dad goes to talk to him. Trent has stopped seeing all  of friends now, which is silly I think.
I even have stopped going to visit Bell which I miss I stayed around keeping him company cause I felt sorry for him with not having friends to hang with, in the mean time realised I was then neglecting mine, maybe that was what he was hoping I'd do, if so that's crazy and sick almost as though they can control you then. So nope I went down to the servo on the corner of my street and rang him from there, mine you he was at my unit, yeah I know gutless and pathetic, I said I couldn't do it anymore explained myself and hung up.
Even though I did the dumping i felt sad and really disappointed in myself that I couldn't do it to his face. In the past I have been dumped this way and I did exactly what I hated and what made me upset.
The question is have I done the right thing letting him go? , who knows time will tell. That wasn't just it 20 minutes later as I was walking back he rings and said he just read my Journal, yes fucken cunt hey who does that. Actually I don't know it could be tempting if it were in front of you. For moment then I paused in silence then said "so what ?". Trent said "Glad we broke up anyway cause looks like you like girls too and I can't stand that". I replied with "bullshit Trent you were okay to watch Beck and I kiss and we all fuck each other in front of each other for goodness sake grow up".
I then got home to the front door left wide open and Trent no where to be seen, asshole someone could have just walked in stole everything. I had a bath and some chocolate and all of sudden felt great and free as a bird. This morning I went to Greenarces Shopping Centre to get some bread and dinner for tonight when I got back my Cd's were at the door and a note saying he burnt all my Studio 2000 photos that I gave him. I was fuming as they weren't cheap to purchase it took me a year to pay off completely. But after I calmed down just thought about how angry he must have been I have done similiar things in the past after breakups.

March 28th

Wow just had a unexpected visitor, it was Dennis, Trent's flatmate, Beck's boyfriend. I thought he was going to have a go at me about breaking up with Trent but I was wrong. Instead he asked if I were okay cause apparently Trent went around telling everybody that he broke it off. I laughed and told him the truth. Then he went on to mention that him and Beck broke up, he found out she was cheating on him also Trent was now seeing Beck's older sister. Well he moved on fast, I obviously did mean that much. We talked for awhile then it looked as though he had something on his mind. I asked him so why are you here.Dennis went shy and said "well I loved it that night watching Beck and you kissed then I could help myself but watch you in the mirror when I was fucking Beck".
I nearly choked on my drink. He went on to say "Penny you are beautiful I wish I was doing you that night or even a threesome". All I could say was "okay". He then sat closer slowly grabbed my glass from my hand placed it on the coffee table and kissed me. One thing led to another before i knew it we were having sex. he was insanely sexy too, yummy. We laid there and shared a smoke after and then I said "don't mean to be rude but my social worker is going to be here soon I need you to go but you are welcome back again".
I couldn't believe I did that not rushing him out but had sex with him, am I a slut?? I feel dirty.