23rd December, 2001
SUNDAY
Dear journal,
Today was a fucked day. The day started at 7am for me, Kate just wouldn't go back to sleep. Then Bell( another resident) came around and asked for toilet paper. I gave it to her and talked for a bit. I thought she was staying home today but before she left my porch she said "Oh, I'm going to Noah's today".
The day dragged on, I was so bored and lonely, I thought she only meant the day. What a loser, I found myself crying.
Later on...
Stupid me the day didn't turn out that bad after all. I went to the shops to do some Christmas shopping, which I hadn't even started. Bell came back at 10pm. I spent hours talking to her since I didn't talk to anyone all day. She probably just wanted to sleep, but oh well. I stayed there until 2am and then trodded back to my unit.
24th December
Dear Journal,
Today is a fine day. It is warm but windy, a few clouds in the sky but no sign of rain. A new girl moved into Lara and Anna's old unit(next to mine). When I went up closer I thought the little boy running around outside looked familiar. Next minute out came a girl with a box. Wow! she was girl I met at Billy's years beforehand when her son, Joe . That very night she slept with my best friend, Cameron. I wasn't happy at the time cause my other friend Heather was going out with him and they just didn't care, they fucked each other in the room next over. Oh yes that's her name Rose.
Also Rose's junky friend Neve took off to get a "hit" and didn't bother worrying about her baby leaving it with us for hours on end. I think it was 4am when she came back , bitch face. Anyway enough about that I hope life is different for Rose now and that she doesn't hang around scum like that.
Bell has gone down to Bi-Lo to go food shopping and I am waiting on my sister and her friend Tara to visit. I feel mostly visiting Kate though. Just a thought cause I don't think if she was here they would won't to randomly come visit me :(
Later on....
Kate is sleeping now next couch over from me, snug in my blankets. She is so beautiful, I love her. Kate is what keeps me going.
I'm also scared and it only because Bell and I were on the subject , it made me think and look at my dates on the calender. I might be preggy!!Dates say I have missed two periods. I hope not arghhh. I wouldn't know how to handle it especially two babies at once. But the other hand I don't believe in abortions. Bell said she will come to the doctors with me on Thursday. If I'm not pregnant I will make sure I get contraception since Jason and I still have sex occasionally even though we split, kinda.
FUCK FUCK FUCK, I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO WRITE FOR TODAY!!!
25th December
CHRISTMAS DAY!!! :)
It was okay to start with until dad and I decided to give out presents. My cousin Mel went 'troppo'. Mel tried to make everyone in the family to not buy present anymore except the children. We didn't want to be bossed around like that. As soon as I gave her husband his she stormed out the front door whilst yelling at her husband for excepting his present.
Yes it was a eventful day indeed.
26th December
What a sad day for I haven't stopped crying, Jason officially broke up with me over the phone mind you too. I knew it was going to happen soon or later but yeah it is still heart breaking since he was my first real love. Jason didn't want to settle down so young and to have baggage like a child. I was, well had to pull myself together and do so. Jason is a player and probably always will be. He can't get enough sex. I mean I love sex but this was insane, he got angry and emotionally abusive if you didn't fuck him when he wanted it.
Jason didn't care when either people around he would want you to go to the bedroom.
If it was more 3 days he would call you abnormal like I needed help from a professional or something. I gave him my all, totally letting go when having sex. I admit it was unreal sex, the best I ever had before. But it still wasn't enough for him.
He often would mention the way he was brought up. How the rich girls he did it with would not have any boundaries. They would be involved in threesomes, do it public places and have anal. Where anything goes.This wasn't for me. I was constantly feeling not good enough and my self esteem lowered over time. Jason would look at other girls while I was in his company, watch porn and read FHM mags.
So yes I knew we wouldn't last but I still love him I don't know why. Plus our families were completely different, wouldn't work. His family are rich. His mother is a Gynecological and owns her a practice. My family are as they say 'common'.
Anyway found out he is going out with a 17 year old girl named Diana. A tall slender girl with mousy brown hair. Diane is apparently a dancer, a ballet dancer. She is part of the ballet company in Twin Street, Adelaide. Yeah obviously met through those other sluts, Ruth and Carmine that hang off Jason at Hindmarsh Square at lunch when I go there to meet my friends.
He probably has had Ruth and Carmine too by now, who knows.
I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!!!! :(
27th December
Dear Journal,
I still can't get Jason out of my head. It's not easy to just move on after being with each other for 3 years. We did have some fantastic times he did sweep me off my feet, he was very good looking and charming.
Today I went shopping it was a great therapy session for these unwanted feelings.
(not to self save $50 for New Years)
I found this quote the other day from my social worker that made me think more than it ever did when I first received it.
"If you don't heal yourself now,
you'll bleed into the future"
28th December
Went to Ursula and Danny's New Year's Party. It was wild, heaps of cute guys there and also caught up with old friends from high school. Got so smashed.
Here's to a better year!!!
Dear Journal,
I am not sure whats going on if this is just me, in my crazy head of mine. But lately Bell doesn't seem as friendly towards me.Is she just tired of me coming over all the time, although she came here today twice I stayed at mine just to see. How's this though, the last time she came over was to ask me to wash her dishes since she made me dinner the last two nights. I didn't ask her to she wanted to. Anyway I went and did them I didn't want to argue. Then I went back to clean my unit, mop the floors and clean the bathroom mostly.
Then she bloody invites me over about 8pm that night but then there was no point she didn't really talk much and wanted to sleep at 10pm. I feel used sometimes.. I think I'll make myself scarce for a few weeks.
What is wrong??
This might sound weird coming from me but I like her. I mean like like, a crush, eek. There is something about her. I think I might be bi-sexual but don't never knew. I know she is . Should I tell her. Will she try something on me and then again I will be upset if she doesn't like me that way arghh. I get jealous of the way she talks about her friends Stella and Trudy.
Anyway I can't think anymore my head hurts Good night....
2nd January
Dear Journal,
A total fucked day. I fought with Jason over the phone. :(
I just want to know why he cheated on me? Could I have changed something? Can we still be together if we talked it through?
ARGHHHH!!!! WHY?????
3rd January
Dear Journal,
Went to the beach with Beth and Tanya. We traveled to town then went on the bus to Hendley Beach.
It was a great day so relaxing we had no kids. Beth bought some drinks and then we headed home about 4ish.
7th January
MONDAY
Dear Journal, I am excited. My sister came over yesterday to give me an invitation to her 21st Birthday party, on the 25th January. It's going to be fantastic. It is a Black and White theme. A lot of people are invited. Apparently a jukebox or DJ whatever she chooses will rock!!
Later on...
I had counselling today with Morag. It is going hard considering since within the time I saw her last Jason and I broke up.
Awww!! and it was I couldn't stop crying, I was a mess.
8th January
Dear Journal,
Today was crap. I haven't done much at much at all. Kate didn't sleep very well last night. She just fell asleep though, she must be tired so yeah it's a early one for her 5:45pm. Beth went book her plane tickets at Modbury and then to meet up with Noah in town. I don't think she will be home tonight. I might have a few drinks by myself. Not sure yet, see how I feel. Georgina and Simone ended up giving me a surprise visit yesterday. We had a good time catching up. Simone mentioned she lives not far from the shelter to come visit whenever I want.
So I invited them to my sisters party, as she did say I can invite some of my friends too.
9th January
Dear Journal,
Hot. Hot. Hot
The weather is really hot at the moment hard to sleep comfortably. Last night I slept at my parents house, which was better since they have efficient air-conditioning.
Hmm.. Today I'm thinking about dyeing my hair Blue/black, not sure. Kate is moving a lot more now. Rolling around. Right now she is rolling on the bed onto her stomach, it's so cute. Arghh!! Bloody inspection tomorrow. I have to clean my unit. It's not really that bad but they are very strict around here.
11th January
Dear Journal,
I only just got paid fucking $250 yesterday, crap hey. The worst after rent and food I have $80 left. Besides this last night scored a new quilt cover and some wild clothes from Sophie.
Sophie is great she also took Kate for me this morning at 3am. To give me some sleep. It was wonderful, I slept until 9:30 am. Then she took her again, pretty much all day. I think she likes it too because she only has boys, two boys.
I did some things around my unit. I also decided to put on a fake tan. Which will never attempt again. It's fucking orange, like a pumpkin . Not funny at all.
Anyway during all this me time I was thinking to myself I need to move on and shouldn't feel guilty about it either. Obviously Jason isn't coming back to me. So I thought people that were likely. Hmm.. I thought about Vince. I wonder if he will turn up to my sisters party. Might suss him out. What he is doing with his life? Could we ever leave off where we once when were younger? Has he got a girlfriend?
Vince was a tall, skinny, pale skinned blonde haired boy who was my neighbor behind my house when were growing up. I remember he seemed lonely always in his backyard playing basketball for hours on end.
Hahaha... I was always curious, I spied on him a to through the bushes that lined our fence.
One day my dad told me to come with him, as he walked towards the back fence. My dad asked him his name and introduced himself and I then just like that, mine you embarrassing too my dad without asking Vince just lifts me over the fence and said simply 'have fun kids'. That's just how my dad is so spontaneous!!
Funny dad probably thought we would just become simple innocent friends, but how he was so wrong. We started out just spending everyday together, riding bikes, going to the movies, playing basketball, going to the baseball, went ice skating together and when he got his license we went on many trips to the hills etc.
But it all started on bicycle ride down the local creek, we used to go through tunnels, it was thrilling. Anyway on this day we stopped for a rest before we went into the tunnel and a drink. I sat on the brick wall where our bikes lent against. When expectantly Vince just kissed me. I didn't respond for a bit, then he said "I like you, Penny". I said holding my chest in shock "sorry, yep I didn't expect that, I mean I do too but yeah wow". I still remember the intense feeling I felt all over, warm and tingly. Then we kissed again but I that time was more involved, it was passionate and long lasting. We used our tongues, which was unusual but sensual.
As years went by we grew apart I met others in the neighborhood and I guess pushed him away.
I lost my virginity to him though before we split, it was on my birthday in car mind you up at Sky Lookout. Yes not very romantic hey but yeah. After that I went out with nearly every boy in my neighborhood but didn't sleep with them. Oohh I forgot I did sleep with Trent who lived in the corner units at the end of my street that was never told to anyone because it was great but wrong in so many ways. Firstly my best friend, Lauri really liked him, he was going out with some one, he lived next to a family friend and he was in his 20's when I was just 14 years old.
Yep, but he was so hot. Anyway I was nothing to him the cunt never spoke about it again or did anymore. I guess he was scared what the repercussions could be. Well back to life in my neighborhood, in those years it just the norm to all hang out, girls and guys. We would smoke, drink and have a fucking great time being young. One week your going out with someone and then minute your friend is holding hands or kissing them and obviously without saying it your out of the picture but your still in the circle, weird to some but eh!
Gee! I found myself recollecting but very much babbling off here major.
So my question to myself is I wonder what life would have been like if I stayed with Vince for longer and never got involved with these other people? I don't regret these memories but just plain curious.
Off the subject, umm just found out Jason's younger brother is going out with that fucking slut Carmine, the Ballet chick.
No one is awake at Malvern House except Beth, Mel and I but not each other company.
With all my life experiences so far I feel as though I am 25 years old not 19 years old nearly 20. I have seen and done so much but not to make myself proud. No real achievements. I have hopes and dreams. I guess my smaller goals are to be stable, emotionally is the biggest. To realise my abilities and overcome my fears. Become confident in my own skin. To know one's elf and purpose on this earth. I don't even know what sexuality I am, I am very confused thanks to Jason.
12th January
9am
Dear Journal,
Funny I was about to write December. Wow! it's going to fast soon it's my sisters party. Right now I am watching RAGE. Listening to Janet Jackson's song 'Son of a gun'. I love it. Kate is doing strange shit. Cutie is sitting up in her bouncer without the head support. Looks as though in a minute she will get up in it and just walk away. Beth is leaving for leaving Sydney tomorrow. Golly! it will be boring here without her.
Yeah! another great song Basement Jaax with 'Wheres my head at'. How I feel like that sometimes. WHERES MY HEAD AT? Rage is followed by Video Hits which is in 5 minutes.
Today is going to be very interesting and daunting. I am going to Mobelong men's Prison at Murray Bridge with Sophie to visit her children's father DJ. Only one other time I have been to such a place it was the Adelaide Remand Centre to visit a friend, Stefany boyfriend years ago.
13th January
Dear Journal,
Today was fine. I knew something was going to go down though, a feeling in my gut. Sophie and Darren (new friend) went to a petrol run. It's not far away I thought they would be back by now, 30 minutes is way too long. Fuck! they have been busted I recon. Darren's friend Frank was left with me at Sophie's unit looking after the tots. Then shit hits the fan , Carol (staff member) knocks at the door. Fucking funny at the time we were running around hiding smoking utensils and anything we could get in trouble for. carol makes her way inside to see Frank on the couch watching T.V. She told him he wasn't allowed there at this time of the night for it was now past curfew. We have curfews to protect other residents that come from domestic violence situations and all sorts of other issues like custody orders etc. Yeah it sucked but that was the rules.
We could come and go as we please but curfew for visitors was 8pm.
I got into trouble mostly because I cannot be looking after Sophie's children. Sophie is responsible of her own children. Blah! Blah!Blah! like I was going to let them play with fucking matches or something. I argued for awhile but then felt there was no use.
Later on...
I got more angry because then I received a text from bitch face, Carmine. It went like this.
"Good work Beth on last night. You had a spare 5 minutes to get your head out from her pussy"
To read this made me laugh more than get too angry considering she is screwed in the head. Who knows what's going on. What is Jason saying? Is she writing this off her own back, reading his messages without him knowing, who fucking knows, who cares anymore she can have the wanker.
It just started because last night Carmine wrote.
"Keep your hands off Jason, you whore"
Sophie had my phone, read it and abused her back for me. So dumb bitch thought it was Beth when it wasn't. What a laugh!!
My sister and my cousin Mel came over today to visit. I enjoyed their company because I was bored.
Shitty! Sophie is still not back. She is going to be in a whole lot of trouble when she gets back. I can't imagine what, maybe even kicked out fro breaking the rules of Malvern House. At midnight she said she will be doing the banks too. Hopefully she remembers what I need. I need nappies, smokes and I have the munchies I want Macca's. I hope I don't get trouble as well. Carol wants to see me tomorrow in this office. Oh no! my pipe is only slightly pushed under Sophie's couch hopefully she doesn't find it.
I am going to stop writing for now. maybe when she gets back I'll write down the dramas that unfold..
Ta Ta!!!
P.S I miss Beth Tonight
14th January
Today I went to a healing session called "Living with Losses". It is run by Silvia and Hope, the Malvern House staff members. It is to talk about feelings of anger, sadness and letting go of hurt. This could be about death of someone close, break ups, trauma or just anything you need to talk about to make yourself feel better.
I talked about my friends dying in a car crash when they were 14 years old how this affected me, my break up with Kate's father, Jason and wanting to be re-united with my best friend from years ago, Lauri. I had a little cry, well actually whole lot of tears, but it felt great to release the pain I was feeling. It felt as though a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I thought writing in this journal would help but that wasn't the case it does kind of but actually expressing to real people, to hear it, it is real and it fucken hurts. I couldn't keep it bottled up any longer.
Right now I am laying on my couch watching "Everyone loves Raymond", I love it. It nearly makes me piss myself sometimes. I don't know why but I rang Jason last night. I was nice to him this time. He mentioned that he was going for his security guard license. Jason wants to work on the doors in town at pubs and clubs, typical. I mean perfect way to chat up lots of girls and perve. Anyway it's great for him to do something I suppose.
Awww! It still makes me ache knowing we will never be with each other again.
Later on....
Watched a sad movie called "Philadelphia, starring Tom Hanks. Gee, the sound track really moves you too. I went through a couple hundred tissues put it that way, very sad. Lucky it was finished for at least enough time to clean myself up cause Trudy came over. Trudy invited me to her unit to chill out for a while. It has been unfortunate that I haven't spent time with her to get to know her better. Trudy is moving soon, within a week or so. She seems like down to earth cool chick.
I thought she was a shy and hahaha a "straight" girl. No way! yep she pulled out a bong and some weed. Also noticed she had her tongue pierced and eyebrow. Trudy got me wacked. We had a great chat about general things and then I went home about 1am.
17th January
Today was a scorcher at 34 degrees and humidity was very high, yucky sticky weather I hate it. I found out why Rose slammed the door in face this morning. Sophie told me Frank likes me and wants to get with me. Rose thought she was going to be hooked up with him. Sophie told her that he doesn't find her attactive but wouldn't mine me. Arghhh! Oh dear It's not my fault for goddess gracious, seriously the bloke isn't that crash hot to fight over.
I suppose it just feels great to be liked that way that's all. After having Jason break -up with me and having Kate my self-esteem was low. Well now that has made things a little uncomfortable around here now. Oops!
I think it's hilarious that she has worked herself up so much about it though, she needs to grow up. Just seen Rose and Sophie pull out the driveway I think Sophie said something earlier about Rose wanting to visit her ex.
Oh, Jason has passed his exam for getting his license, I wished him congratulations. I know we are now apart but I think it's healthy to be friends and for Kate's sake too. Yep, time for a bong.
Nothing else to write except woop woop 7 days to my sisters 21st Birthday.
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the number of moments that take our breath away"
( anonymous)
26th January
Dear Journal,
Not good, Jason and I slept together. See that just confusing me and fucks with my head. I mean the sex was fantastic don't get me wrong but knowing he broke it off, he sleeps with other girls, what the hell is wrong with me to do this. And he is wrong to take advantage of me at this point in time. Does he still love me? or Was I just used to a quick ride. I couldn't help it but say in the middle of having sex that I still loved him.
Jason also had the nerve to tell me that he fucked both those Ballet bitches, when his younger brother is going out with Carmine and he is suppose to be with Diane. Twisted shit hey. How can Jason do that to his own brother and poor Diane doesn't know either. They don't care who they might hurt along the way as long as they are pleasured.
Anyway I spoke to Morag, my counselor about this and she suggested to try not get myself into that situation never be alone with him where I can be easily seduced. I am too emotionally unstable right now.
This song reminds me of when Jason and I used to go for drives through the hills, we used to play Korn this was my fav song even though it seems sad it made me happy.
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