Things are worse now I am finding myself very depressed of late, crying alot about everything and anything. I even felt like ending it all yesterday,it was a dark day and didn't see any point, no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't understand life,my myself what am I suppose to do? Am I in too deep? It's like I am in a hole trying to climb out. Is there something seriously wrong with me? I am lost in this strange world. I don't think I will ever be able to able commit myself to one person. That's strange in it's self, it's not like I don't long too I just need to trust and feel strongly for them. No relationship I have had has felt like this.
One sided maybe either I fall too deep in love like with Jason or they do, mostly me. Now since breaking up with Jason I don't feel the same I cheat on them or just leave. I don't want to hurt again. I am hurting but I can't let this go on any longer. This not what I thought it would be like. I felt like maybe I would be strong enough to keep going and be happy but clearly I'm not. Please someone help me I can't talk to anyone except you journal. I am not proud of the things I have done even though they are experiences I feel filthy and evil.
I know deep down I know what my morals are but they are have seemed to slip away since Jason broke up with me. It's like I have no respect for myself. Even though these things feel great at the time I know they are wrong.
I want to run away.....
I stay with Simon now because I think he is all I deserve and can probably get. I know I can have random sex with different people and I do but sometimes at least I know he is here even if he goes away for days. That sounds strange and trust me hard to explain, see he is hot and cold when he is hot is so nice and turns me on. Simon makes me feel like naughty in a good way, he has sexy saltry cheeky eyes that melt me and his smile well it's more like a cheeky smirk that gets me everytime. But when he is out of dope, worrying about things and not talkative I hate it, I feel alone.
I still don't know if he loves me or anyone for that matter. Simon is strange.