March 2002 continues

"I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me,
but I find I am grateful for having loved them,
the gratitude has finally conquered the loss"

I say this because not only for the people who have been in my life as lovers but as friends who have passed as well. These two great songs express it all.

March 3rd

Today Trent and I were sitting back relaxing watching television when we heard a knock at the door, at my unit. I opened the door and was shocked to see Kane, which is a long time family friend of ours. I haven't seen him in ages. He looked different, shaved head, skinnier and had Tattoos. I was suspicious why he bought along his girlfriend sister. She was gorgeous, maybe he was seeing her behind her back who knows not my business.
I invited them in and introduced them to Trent. We talked for about two hours, he filled me in on what he is doing with his life now. It was great to see Trent getting along with him too. For I was getting a little worried as Trent has being ignoring his closet friends of late, I didn't want him doing that. I found it strange. Also wondering why he hasn't introduced to his family yet either I mean I have, it makes me wonder.
Anyway Kane mentioned that he goes camping down the River Murray a far bit they have jet ski's and just chill have fun and drink. Before he left he offered for us to come up the River next time they go, he got my number cause he only had my address cause my dad passed it on to him so he could visit me. It was funny cause when we were younger my sister and I used to call him Kane Toad just mucking around paying him out. Kane was much older than us but he still lived with his mum until he was in his early twenties.

March 8th


Today was a very sad day. My mum called to tell me some really bad news, Kane died. Yes Kane that just came to visit a couple prior. I got shivers up my spine and felt sick at this horrible news. My mum told me he  was at his place when Kane and his mate were walking to their car parked out on the street when 12 blokes jumped them and bashed him. They had cricket bats as well. They held his friend back by holding his arms behind his back only were after Kane. Kane's injuries were mostly to the back of his head. Kane's parent talked to doctors and decided to turn off the machine, the likelihood of coming out of the coma was slim or even if he did he would be a vegetable. That would have to be the worst decision that they would have to make, could you imagine.
I am crying so hard and very shocked. I can't believe it. He was just here last Monday, fucking hell life is harsh. Kane was too young to die, not fair!!! I rang Trent to tell him even though he didn't know him like I did, I thought I needed someone to talk to. Trent came over straight away and we cuddled for hours, that felt pleasant. Trent even stayed the night, I couldn't be alone.

March 16th


I am up getting ready to go to Kane's memorial service. The family can't have a funeral yet as the body hasn't been released there still needs a Autopsy. It's hard I mean what do I say to the family arghh!!
I was thinking today maybe someone found out he was doing his girlfriends sister and organised this to be done, is that inappropriate to say, not that I would mention what I am thinking to the family at this time of grief or actually even ever but it's a thought this could have been why but he still didn't deserve it.

I am going now talk later.....


Later on ...

Gee that was a strange but great day it wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. They all tried to be happy and rejoice in the memories they had of him. His friends got up and spoke as well. There were some hilarious stories told about things he did and said as he grew up and until recently before he passed. I even had a weird conversation with his girlfriend with made me feel quite strange, she said I looked like her younger sister that died years ago not the one that came over of course but yeah then she pulled all her friends and others over to check me out and they all agreed, yeah creepy. She nearly cried even, I gave her a hug to make her feel a little better.
I'm glad this day is over I need to sleep it's 10pm but I am emotionally tired right now.

Goodnight Journal RIP Kane Until we meet again.....


March 23

I haven't wrote in here for awhile but it's because I have been busy. Firstly last night I dumped Trent, yes we have been going out for time now but I can't see it improving and he really isn't connecting with Kate. That is important to me I can't just be selfish and think of myself in a relationship I have Kate to think about It's not fair on her. Also my dad can't stand him he rudely interrupts my dad and doesn't listen and converse well with my dad. It makes me cringe when my dad goes to talk to him. Trent has stopped seeing all  of friends now, which is silly I think.
I even have stopped going to visit Bell which I miss I stayed around keeping him company cause I felt sorry for him with not having friends to hang with, in the mean time realised I was then neglecting mine, maybe that was what he was hoping I'd do, if so that's crazy and sick almost as though they can control you then. So nope I went down to the servo on the corner of my street and rang him from there, mine you he was at my unit, yeah I know gutless and pathetic, I said I couldn't do it anymore explained myself and hung up.
Even though I did the dumping i felt sad and really disappointed in myself that I couldn't do it to his face. In the past I have been dumped this way and I did exactly what I hated and what made me upset.
The question is have I done the right thing letting him go? , who knows time will tell. That wasn't just it 20 minutes later as I was walking back he rings and said he just read my Journal, yes fucken cunt hey who does that. Actually I don't know it could be tempting if it were in front of you. For moment then I paused in silence then said "so what ?". Trent said "Glad we broke up anyway cause looks like you like girls too and I can't stand that". I replied with "bullshit Trent you were okay to watch Beck and I kiss and we all fuck each other in front of each other for goodness sake grow up".
I then got home to the front door left wide open and Trent no where to be seen, asshole someone could have just walked in stole everything. I had a bath and some chocolate and all of sudden felt great and free as a bird. This morning I went to Greenarces Shopping Centre to get some bread and dinner for tonight when I got back my Cd's were at the door and a note saying he burnt all my Studio 2000 photos that I gave him. I was fuming as they weren't cheap to purchase it took me a year to pay off completely. But after I calmed down just thought about how angry he must have been I have done similiar things in the past after breakups.

March 28th

Wow just had a unexpected visitor, it was Dennis, Trent's flatmate, Beck's boyfriend. I thought he was going to have a go at me about breaking up with Trent but I was wrong. Instead he asked if I were okay cause apparently Trent went around telling everybody that he broke it off. I laughed and told him the truth. Then he went on to mention that him and Beck broke up, he found out she was cheating on him also Trent was now seeing Beck's older sister. Well he moved on fast, I obviously did mean that much. We talked for awhile then it looked as though he had something on his mind. I asked him so why are you here.Dennis went shy and said "well I loved it that night watching Beck and you kissed then I could help myself but watch you in the mirror when I was fucking Beck".
I nearly choked on my drink. He went on to say "Penny you are beautiful I wish I was doing you that night or even a threesome". All I could say was "okay". He then sat closer slowly grabbed my glass from my hand placed it on the coffee table and kissed me. One thing led to another before i knew it we were having sex. he was insanely sexy too, yummy. We laid there and shared a smoke after and then I said "don't mean to be rude but my social worker is going to be here soon I need you to go but you are welcome back again".
I couldn't believe I did that not rushing him out but had sex with him, am I a slut?? I feel dirty.